its hard..but life must go on..

it has been a while..
ada orang rindu aku? heh..

christmas nih genaplaa sebulan tummy aku 'kosong'..
alhamdulillah, im getting better each day..
walaupun kdg² takleh nak elak otak aku pk yang bukan²..
end up aku sedih sorang²..

aku tau..
aku kene kuat..
mental & fizikal..

life has to go on, aight?

masa baru² aritu, mmg emosi aku kurang stabil..
bile ada makcik² yang tanye 'dah ada isi ke?'..
aku rasa nak seletep je mulut² dorang tu..
bukan takat seletep kecik balut adiah tu..
kalau boleh nak guna seletep kotak tu..haaa beso sket..

aku tau bukan salah dorang pun, sbb dorang bukan tau pun ape yang aku dah lalui..
tp biasalaa..
bile soklan tu tak kene masa, tanye time aku tgh down lak tu..
mmg emosi menguasai laa kannn..
last² aku jwb 'ada....tp dah takde..', pastu aku blah..
tercengang² makcik² tu..
tp sian la mama kene explain pastu..hahahaha..
sorry ma..masa tu mmg ira tade mood nak buat conference ngan mereka² itu..
takut silap² aribulan terkeluar pulak kate² yang kurang enak didengar..
haaa baik ira mem'blah'kan diri awal²..

and since ramai yg tatau what was really happening back then..
ni aku cite briefly laa..

starting masa knowing aku peknen..
aku guna pregnancy test kit je..
tu pun lps mama yang soh check sbb masa tu aku telan berbotol² ubat batuk..(batuk aku mana penah tak teruk, kan? hahaha)
so g guardian, beli HPT tu..
the result was sangat pudar..ada line..tp sangat samar..
then just for menyahihkan keputusan, g laa check kat klinik kerajaan serendah..ye, klinik kerajaan ye kawan²..sbb nak confirm kan je punn..
tp bile layanan yang kitorang terime kurang memuaskan, (plus dorang pun takleh nak confirmkan sbb too early/hampir negative & tade alatan canggih yang boleh tolong confirmkan),
so we decided to check kat private clinic je a week after that..

sila ikuti chronology ini..

• 20/10: first time dtg, check thru urine test, positive! tp bile aku ckp aku ada bleeding, dia check aku guna vaginal scan..

result: no sac is found!

he said: "patutnye we can see a pregnancy sac (seketul itam) sbb your pregnancy is positive..tp now tak nmpk & u pun ada bleeding, this is not a good sign..we call this a 'threatened miscarriage'..so to stop the bleeding & to save this pregnancy, i'll give u an injection..its a bit pain sbb oily based..and im giving u a week mc for u to rest..jgn buat keje berat²..i'll see u in a week to see how it goes.."

aku? tentunya cuak..and hoping everything is ok..


• 26/10: still bleeds tp dah kurang..so another vaginal scan..

result: the sac is there! :)

he said: "the bleeding should have stopped..but now that we have seen the sac, im sure can save the pregnancy..dgn syarat, u rest..and im giving u another injection..and u hv to come back 2 days later for another injection.."

aku? hah? inject lagi? auuuchhh..


• 28/10: injection


• 30/10: injection


• 3/11: still ada spotting²..and he runs a vaginal scan to see how big the sac has grown..

result: the sac has grown..dah double the size since last check-up..(masa ni about 10mm)

he said: "this is a good sign..im giving u an injection..(aku rasa utk kuatkan rahim & hormon & to stop the bleeding tu gak) and come again for another injection a week later..please rest..i can save this pregnancy..but u hv to help yourself also ok.."

aku? auuchh!! montot aku kiri kanan sengal kene inject..


• 9/11: injection


• 16/11: vaginal scan

result: the sac has grown (double the size - 20mm)..but no heart beat is heard yet..

he said: "patutnye dah dgr heart beat by this time..walaupun tak kuat, tp we can still hear the heart beat..but maybe because u having the bleeding & all, maybe lmbt sket..takpe, kite tunggu another 2 weeks to see if we can hear the baby's heart beat..if dah ada heart beat, then i can say the baby can develop normally..today im giving u the final injection..but if u suddenly bleeds, terus dtg jumpa.."

aku? praying day & nite for this pregnancy to be ok..

(tp tak sempat 2 minggu pun..betul² a week lps tu..)


• 24/11: vaginal scan

result: the sac dah shrink..masa measured dah tinggal 14mm and still no heart beat.. :(

he said: "owh dear..this is not a good sign..still no heart beat, and the sac dah mengecut..i advice to let go sbb the development is not normal..probably the baby will be unhealthy..sbb the heart beat patutnye dah ada by 7 - 9 weeks..but now already 8 weeks, and we hear nothing..the first 3 months is important for the brain development..if the brain develops later than that, the baby mungkin tak normal..might be down syndrome..or if the baby turn out to be physically healthy, but the brain might not..

u see, the body knows if its not a good sac, it will be expelled naturally..

but if u still want to keep the baby, u can do so..i'll give u treatments like before..injections & pills..and the baby can survive..but i cannot guarantee the baby will be a healthy one..the decision is yours..either one is ok..but if u are asking for my opinion, im so sorry but i suggest to let it go, and u can try again after 2 months..

go home, discuss about it and then tell me what the decision is.."

aku: (dah nak nangis tp tahan) "how soon.."

the doc: "as early as possible..either today or tomorrow..sbb if u decide nak teruskan, i have to cepat² give injection to prevent it..sbb skrg your serviks is still close..kalau dah open, its too late to save the baby.."

aku? crying all day..and thinking whats the best decision should i take..oohh im sooo tak kuat.. :(


• 25/11: the d&c..yep, the toughest moment..

result: it has gone..forever..
:'(

ok thats about it..
at first aku mmg dah tanak ingat dah mende² nih..
sbb ia akan rewind the whole thing..and it will be replay-ed again and again..
dan air mate pun tak benti ngalir..

tp as time goes by, im missing those moments..really..
dan tetibe aku takut aku akan lupe semuanye..

thats the reason why i put it here..
so that i wont forget that 'it' penah wujud suatu ketika dulu..

masa in grief dulu, aku penah bgtau the hubby.."susah nak lupakan dia.."
and he sways.."kita takkan lupakan dia, sayang..dia pun anak kite jugak kann.."

just a sentence..
tp berkesan utk redakan ketidakseimbangan mental aku..

besides family support & friends careness..
im really blessful to have u around..
thx for the attention & love..
thx for being there, sayang..

nota kaki:
so hopefully terjawablaa persoalan masing2 ye..
maafkan atas penggunaan tatabahasa yang bercelaru..
kerana sy masih di dalam healing process.. :P

need a break!

physically ok.
mentally so-so.

bile aku kate so-so..
its really a "so-so"..
sbb:
1) aku buang contact lense aku dr bekas bile sepatutnye aku baru nak pakai contact lense tu..aku siap² isi solution lain as if aku baru nak tanggalkan contact lense aku..padahal aku baru nak pakai..pastu baru sedar bile nmpk contact lense tu jatuh masuk dlm lubang sinki..hmmm..
2) aku tanye abah, "abah tak dinner ke? kenyang lagi?"..padahal sebelum tu, dia makan dinner sebelah aku je!
3) aku bawak balik sume barang yang sepatutnye aku tinggalkan kat ofis..
4) aku skrg kerap tercicir hp..merata²..
5) dan aku mudah lupa nak buat ape yang aku dah plan..

haihhhh..
i really need a break!
i need a vacation!

disguise..

empty.
but something is smiling behind the gloomy nite.

as seen on buletin utama TV3 just now

minus..

i nearly lose a hp today..
sbb tah cemana..
misplaced, tercicir dlm toilet..
this never happened before..
tahlaa..

careless..
thoughtless..
senseless..

maybe im thinking too much..
so i tend to forget some of them..
or maybe no space left for other things..

i do hope for a light at the end of the tunnel..